Disappointment.

There's another scandal I'd like to mention, and unlike the other headliners, this one actually SURPRISED me. But not for the reason you might think...


This whole time, I thought Justin Bieber was a girl, so when I saw a woman with a child demanding a paternity test from him, I was shocked.  SHOCKED!


And this whole time I thought they just kept misspelling Justine!

It's not lipstick, it's CHAPSTICK.

Anyway-


When I first heard about Justin's baby scandal, I immediately thought that the kid was his.  Why else would the woman ask for a paternity test?  You never hear about them wanting the test; they usually want child support and a few paparazzi sessions, but this lady wants SCIENTIFIC PROOF!


So I thought for sure she wasn't lying.  But oh, how things changed.


Justin actually agreed to take it!  That threw my entire game off.


Now her and the moronic lawyers representing her are flying low under the radar, probably to escape embarrassment.  There's clearly no other explanation.

Plenty of embarrassment escaped here.

To sum it all up, Justin(e) and Yeater (sounds like an infection, doesn't it?) should've teamed up and gone on Maury.  Not only would they have boosted the ratings for him, but I'm sure they would've made a crapload of money.  Not that Beaver doesn't already.


Final thoughts:


Both parties have truly disappointed me.  Biebhead had me thinking he was a teenage daddy, and I was expecting a promising break-up from his witchy girlfriend (Wizards of Waverly Place, and yes, I do love that show).  On the other hand, I was in Yeater's corner this whole time, only to be let down by her lack of performance.  Come on, lady!  No one will remember you in a year, but we sure as hell would if your baby was his. 




What do I have to look forward to NOW?  A scripted divorce from big-butt KK and her weirdo ex-husband? 

I'm already bored.

God help us all. 

Breaking News?

It's been awhile, and I have a lot to say.


I think I'll start with the hottest topic in the entertainment world right now, and that is Kim Kardashian's ill-fated marriage.

I'm going to love you for 72 whole days.

First of all, it's pretty obvious that no one is surprised.  Every celebrity out there will eventually separate from their spouse / significant other.  For them, marriage doesn't mean "forever," it means "until I get bored or we get into a fight."  Why then, you ask, do they get married at all?  Because they are dumb, that's why.  And because it gives them the opportunity to slap some exclusivity on their relationship.  They don't want to bang other people, they just want to bang each other (for now).  When they're done, they announce their break up or divorce and go on to bang someone else until they're bored again.  Celebrities that actually understand understand monogamy will never follow it, and this is why:


Their money and fame is a security blanket; even when they're old and wrinkly, they can still find someone to date, bang, or marry, because biologically speaking, money offers the guarantee that their lover and their offspring will be provided with the means to live a long and healthy life.  The more money, the better.

Right now she's pretending Hugh is Brad Pitt.

In the beginning, KK became famous because her dad helped a murderer go free, and now she is famous because her butt is larger-than-normal and she made a porno tape.  From there, they made a ridiculously scripted reality show that everyone hates but watches anyway, thereby gaining the resources to start sub-par perfume lines and a clothing store that is always empty.


Her whole family's life is nothing but event appearances and photoshoots.  Seriously, what is their purpose to the public?  To look pretty.  That's it.

Tonight let's count how many times we each say "like."

So when I hear about one of them getting married, the word "sham" automatically comes to mind.  I'm almost at the point where I believe 100% that no famous or rich person can actually fall in love because they are too narcissistic or the chances of finding someone genuinely interested in THEM and not their MONEY is slim to none.


There's nothing to really ask in this situation.  We all know why KK got married (money, her biological clock is ticking), and why she is pretending like the divorce is a hard decision (negative PR can end her career).


So what's the point of this post?


To simply point out how filthy and fake KK actually is.  I don't think everyone quite gets it yet, but they will when they realize she isn't marrying for love, she's marrying for her fanbase, popularity, and the money she receives from selling her nasty, cellulite-filled pictures that are always so artistically photoshopped.  We can't have people seeing her flaws, you know.  Because they don't exist amongst celebrities.

Honestly....

I don't know which one looks worse...

And besides, if she really did marry for love, is deciding on a place to live so big of a deal that it breaks up your union?  If anything, that should actually show the world how ridiculously shallow she is:  she doesn't want to move to Minnesota because her career is in LA.  In other words, she cares more about her job-which is what again??  oh, that's right, looking pretty in magazines-than her husband, who she married because she "loves him."




Hmmm.....

Real Iron

Over the weekend I saw a quite enjoyable movie called Real Steal, or as Papa Montoya would say, Real Iron.


I would recommend this movie to anyone ten and under, and for any adult who isn't ashamed to watch pleasant family films.


Remember Rocky?  

Duhhh-Adrian!

Well there's a new champ in town, and his name is Atom.

...............

If you want a family version of Rocky, then go see Real Steel.  Its not like Rocky was too adult for children, but it was probably too complicated for their tiny little brains to understand.  I doubt a ten year old can comprehend the depths of Rocky's relationship with his woman and her family, or his rise to the top of the boxing game.  That and they probably wouldn't be entertained by all the talking.  Kids want action and shiny things all over the screen, otherwise they lose interest and start eating popcorn off the floor.  

That's where Atom comes in.

The only criticism I have for this movie is the excess of family issues.  I get it, you abandoned your son and now he is mad at you and you are going to try to make it right by the end of the 90 minutes.  But it was too much.  I wanted more Atom and less Hugh Jackman and his kid crying because they are so unhappy about their broken family.

 

Also, I was deeply disappointed that Atom didn't develop a mind of his own.  They kept hinting at it, but in the end, he was still the same old robot just imitating movement.  

So if you're in the mood for a feel good movie, I highly recommend this one.  Just don't pay for the ticket and expect to see an Oscar-winner.  But they can't all be winners, can they?

Held Captive

Recently in Philadelphia, a group of people were suspected of holding mentally disabled people captive in their basement.


First of all, the people who were arrested look mentally disabled themselves...

We were so careful.  How did it all go wrong?

Next, in case you're unfamiliar with this story, they decided it would be a good idea to not only hold the mentally disabled people captive, but to steal their Social Security checks as well.

I mean, I know its running out and all, but couldn't they have waited a few years to collect their own?


Additionally, who the hell sits around with their friends and says, "Hey, let's go hunt for some mentally disabled people and steal their money."  


Do you ever think about how that becomes a hot topic in a person's conversation? 


Also, why are people so lazy?  Instead of having these mentally disabled people living in their basement, they could have used the same amount of time and energy to find a job.


In fact, wouldn't it be more difficult to hide people in your basement than to actually work?  You'd have to worry about anyone peeking in, or the noises they might make to get attention, and worst of all-the checks you are stealing wouldn't be substantial, anyway.  


Think about that versus having a job at McDonalds, which is perfectly legal, and collecting a paycheck every other week.  And with two other roommates, combined monies would be enough to make a living.


I say shame on these people for not thinking it through.  You're supposed to steal from the rich, not the poor.  

Oy, haven't these gits ever seen Robin Hood?  

HOUSE

There are a few things that upset me about the new season of House.


First of all, Mr. Laurie has a horrible haircut, and is also balding. No one wants to fantasize about a man losing his hair.

'Hallo, there, don't look at my hair!

He used to be hot, you know, during seasons 1-last.  I'm willing to look past his aging, because we all know looks can't last forever, but mostly I am willing to compromise because his character is so awesome.

Next, I am quite upset because no one from last season is on the show anymore.  Should I count Foreman?  No.  Should I count Wilson?  Eh.  

Foreman is the douchiest douche I've ever had the misery to watch on television, so I am really mad that they chose him to stay over the other characters now MIA.

Wilson is a wimp.  I don't like watching people with no backbone.  Its called having a weakness, not possessing a likable quality.  I have to admit, though, I did feel some satisfaction when he punched House in the face.  That was quite uncharacteristic of him.

The one character I do like (besides House, of course) is his new sidekick. What's her name?  I don't know.  All I know is that she has the balls to speak her mind, and usually, she is right on point.  She may seem like the timid girl next door, but anyone who can punch a guy for sexually assaulting her automatically wins 500 brownie points in my book.

I'm a little curious to see where this season will go.  I don't know how I feel about it not being the same old House-person is sick, House has an epiphany, person lives 99.9% of the time.  

My final thought-I don't know.  I will have to form an opinion three episodes from now, when things will hopefully level out.

Yeezy fo Sheezy

We all know Kanye is the epitome of d-bag.  He is selfish, narcissistic, conceited, really short (extreme turn-off), and he wears women's clothing.

And it ain't the only piece of women's clothing I wear.  

I'm sure we could come up with about ten thousand more synonyms for how much of an a**hole this guy is, or how weird he acts, but at this point I think its fairly obvious to everyone.


People seem to forget, however, that Kanye West is a musician.  His goal is not to make people love HIM, although it would be highly beneficial for his career, but to love his MUSIC.


Yeah, he thought he was a robot for awhile. And yes, he did do the unthinkable and interrupt someone's acceptance speech.

I'm just saying what you're thinking.  (It's true, he was).

Its really no one's fault but his own, and sadly, all of his ridiculous antics have blinded people to the quality of his music.


I can understand how an image can influence the number of record sales, but if that musician is actually talented, it shouldn't matter much.  Why should you care about what kind of person they are if their music is good?  Do people really-REALLY-sit and think, "well by golly this song is catchy but I'm not going to let myself like it because the singer drinks too much and interrupts acceptance speeches?"


This is why I don't like where the music industry is going right now.  People care more about an image than what is actually coming out of the speakers.  It can be a crappy song, but if you wear enough glitter, it'll hit the top of the charts.

Glitter on the weekend, war paint during the week.

See what I mean?  Yet people actually like this ridiculous excuse for a music artist more than they like Kanye West.  I still don't understand how someone who can't sing becomes famous for it.




Let's switch back to Kanye.  With the exception of 808s and Heartbreak, every album he's made has turned to gold.


The College Dropout, his breakthrough album, was nominated for a couple Grammys.  Jesus Walks anyone?  Through the Wire?  Everyone loved this album for its fresh reminders of the social problems we face, and for its sarcastic yet honest humor.To combine those elements into a catchy album is a feat unto itself.  In short, go Kanye!


Late Registration was even better.  It was like he took College Dropout and injected it with steroids.  More money did not equal more problems for this album.


Graduation was a departure from his first two babies.  It was a little more poppy, but it was feel-good music.  You could work out at the gym or drive around town listening to Stronger or Can't Tell Me Nothing and feel like you could take on the world.


There was a problem with this one, though, and its called the "big headed disease."  Too much success gave him a big freaking dome, and this is where his idiocy began.


I don't know why this was cool to him, but he started to consider himself a robot.  Yes, he really did.  That's when 808s & Heartbreak came out.  It was an insult to music everywhere.  Everyone either laughed at its ridiculously Autotuned lineup, or they cried in disgust.  


I have to admit-for awhile there, I started to lose faith in Kanye.  How can you go from one of the best albums of the year to being a robot?

Awesome, original.  2005.

Kanye, those don't work in the sun.  And your mouth is open.  2009.

The next year is when the ill-fated VMas incident occurred, after which Yeezy promptly set himself on hiatus.  

Now everyone else was having their doubts, saying he was a jerk and never wanting to play his music on the radio.  Even now he barely gets any airtime.

But I knew he was coming back, after the 808 shenanigans and the VMA outburst, he was going to make another album and it would be glorious.  Then, it happened-

My Beautiful Dark and Twisted Fantasy.

This is easily the best hip-hop album of the year.  There are only two songs that haven't been released as singles yet, and that's probably only because they haven't gotten around to it yet.

Just to come full circle-it doesn't matter how much of a jerk a person is, if they make good music, that's all that should matter.  So I say let's forget about his character, ignore his outlandish behavior, sit back and listen to some awesome tunes.  

Otherwise, you are going to remain forever butt-hurt over anything that comes out of his mouth.  

I never said people change, just that we should ignore them if they suck. 

About My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.  

Drive.

Let's talk about my favorite movie of the year-hands down.


Drive had all the basic elements a movie needs in order to entertain a human being, but oddly enough, there are too few of these elements in most movies.  You know, the necessary components that make the movie worth the $20 you pay to see it:


A plot (you'd be surprised at how many current films lack this).
Good actors (not to name anyone specific but-*cough Kristen Stewart cough*-sorry, where were we?)
Unpredictability (no one wants to know the end after the first five minutes)
Cinematography (bad directing can ruin the best script in the world)
Music (we shouldn't be listening to Mexican polka during a car chase)




What made me so happy about Drive was how all of these elements came together.  The neo noir film, as most movie critics are calling it, was so well developed that it made me almost forget that bad movies exist. 

Take Drive's love story, for instance.  What made it so compelling for me was the tension created between two people who conveyed their feelings using only their body language.  That's right, people.  Driver has less than twenty lines in this movie.  How can you complain about a man who barely speaks?

And he doesn't speak right on through the darker side of LA with a cool and controlled demeanor-something I hear is similar to a little known actor called James Dean.  

I should voice a warning, however:  this movie is not for the faint of heart, so if you don't like gore, beware.  

But if you have a higher appreciation for the artistic side of directing, and you don't mind long, drawn out and tension-building silences, then this is the movie for you.  Not many actors (or people) can have a conversation or express emotion without saying anything, but Ryan did it.  

Right now he is saying "kiss me."

I don't want to give too much away, because I'd rather have everyone see it and take in all the glory that is Ryan Gosling post-Notebook.

I drive.  And smolder.

I've forgiven him for that blasphemous piece of Nicholas Spark's crap, and its all because of Drive.