Crazy 'Rents

There seems to be an ongoing trend with parents binding their children and then posting the pictures online.  There are so many things wrong with this that I don't know where to begin, but I guess I will start with the two most famous instances of these model parents...


The first is a man from Chicago who decided it was a good idea to tie his child up because she allegedly hit him back when he punished her for something...

Yeah, this is really going to stop your kid from hitting you in the future.

First of all, seeing this picture is disgusting.


Secondly, this guy must've dropped out of high school to be this dumb.  Tying your child up is not only really weird anyway, but what makes him think that a bunch of strangers or people he half-knows on facebook are really going to think this is funny?  Did he think the police would be entertained?  Sure were when they hauled him off to jail, weren't they?


Now I doubt that he was really going to torture his little girl, because if he was, he wouldn't be posting pictures of it online.  Seeing as how he lacks any form of common sense, I just don't know whether to pity him, or pray for him.  Actually, on second thought, forget that.  This fool is a grown man, and as such, should have a pretty good understanding of right versus wrong.  I'd be more comfortable knowing that CPS has taken his offspring away so he can't permanently damage them.  




Next on the list of 2011's best parents is a lovely pair from Arizona.  They also thought it would be funny to tie up their kid.  At least the first guy put a reason down on facebook, even if it was a lame one.  But these gems in the West just thought it was funny.  That's it.  

Don't they look like a funny pair?

Do these look like the type to play jokes?  Uhh, I think not.


At this point I'm wondering where the line of stupidity started.  So we have two couples, completely unrelated, and both tied up their children and shared the picture with the rest of the world. 


Now, did their parents teach them to tie things up?  Were they tied up?  Is their lack of common sense a link in a long chain that started centuries ago from their equally dumb ancestors?  


Or is society playing a role in their disgusting behavior?  Does the media somehow give them the idea to tie people up and blast it on a social networking site?  After all, our attitude towards violence has become jaded, to say the least, and our sense of humor has become more and more crude over the years as people realize they have a right to say whatever they want.


Maybe it's the dumb gene AND the media.


It makes me wonder what Darwin would say about natural selection in this case; they won't really die off because they are idiots, but instead they'll be shoved in a prison that will eventually release them because of overcrowding.  


Mon Dieu, have we gone beyond natural selection?!  If so, how long will the weak and dumb continue to plague our planet?!

God...

help....

us...

all...(Come on ladies, these two aren't even attractive)

Dragon Tattoo

Hey everyone, the Swedes made a movie that's really good!  I don't can't-er, I mean-I don't want to read the subtitles, so let's go ahead and remake that two years from now.

2011

2009

Okay, I have to admit it-the American remake of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo is good.  But the sad part is, no movie should have to be victim to the audience incessantly comparing it to its predecessor.  


"The original didn't do it that way..."
"The new one changed the story..."
"The other actress didn't look like that..."


Of course this is going to happen when its decided that the remake should be released TWO YEARS after the original.  I'm assuming the directors thought no one in America watches foreign films...


BUT I DO!


It's obviously a matter of opinion, and since both movies are so close to each other in profit and positive reviews, I'm going to have to hand the win over to the orinal director.  They were first in making the film, BUT I have more reasons.


The main character in the original, Lisbeth, is ten times more of a badass than the new Lisbeth.  I don't want to see a wimpy victim cowering before anyone she comes across, I want to see a defiant, strong woman face her attackers with courage.  Also, it was slightly upsetting that the new dragon tat girl wore her hair up once.  The rest of the time it looked greasy, unwashed, unkempt.  I mean, come on, if you're going to be all those things, at least style it a little bit.  


Not only that, the new movie decided to cut all the connections that the original developed.  Characters that were completely unrelated in the newer Dragon Tattoo movie are actually more deeply connected than you know in the original.  Was this the director's way of making it "different"?  Bad call.  


Those are some of my complaints.  I still think both movies are good, but Noomi Rapace undoubtedly rocks a mohawk better than Rooney...

Rebel to the left, introverted wuss to the right.

We All Knew it was Coming

Surprise, surprise.  Another divorce in Hollywood.


This one was slightly-but just a touch-more interesting than the others, and for two reasons.


One-they spent Christmas apart.  Maybe that's not such a big deal for some people, or busy celebrities, but they were at opposite ends of the world without their wedding rings.  

So what's the big deal?  Plenty of people forget to wear it, right?  Except that he filed for divorce the next day.  

But the main reason this interests me is that they both denied the divorce rumors, and never acknowledged any problem with their relationship.  

Tell me, Russell, Katy, what's the point?  Everyone in the world is going to find out anyway, so why hide it?  To save your privacy?  Uhh....you're celebrities.  Once you become famous, you can never become "un-famous."

And now I'm going to say what everyone else has been thinking: 

How the HELL did Russell Brand end up with Katy Perry in the first place?  

Let's face it...no amount of funny will take the ugly away.

Pretty as long as the spray tan and make-up stays on.

It's not like he had money, and she didn't.  So how did they end up together?  Maybe they did some drugs together.  We all know he was big on cocaine, and probably still is by the looks of it.  Maybe Katy Perry probably joined in and it wore off after a few months.  I mean, fireworks shooting out of your chest?  Hmmmm...

In the end, no one really cares that they're divorced.  We pay attention because its fun to watch "perfect" people fail at something that the rest of us normies can accomplish.  

And as you're reading this, we continue to soak it in...

Yessss....   

Privacy? There's No Privacy in Hollywood!

I think its quite hilarious that the Kardashians are clamoring for privacy during Kim's "difficult time."


When your success is based solely on reality shows, promoting clubs, party events, and magazines, how can you POSSIBLY ask to be left alone?!  The answer is obvious:  you can't. These people gave up their privacy a long time ago, and there is no way they can ever get it back.  Once you let the public in, they're in for GOOD.  As Daniel Craig said...

"We were at your birth. You filmed it for us and showed us the placenta and now you want some privacy?"

Well said, Mr. Bond.

In addition, let's think about the following:

In order to pave their way to fame, the Kardashian family decided to start a reality show, and in so doing, made their entire life public.  I know I'm reiterating, but stay with me for 1.5 more seconds.

In having their life broadcasted to the entire world, they obviously had no qualms about sharing the details of their personal lives.  This includes, but isn't limited to, who the gypsies are dating, their relationship problems, and new prospects.

That being said, if they didn't have a problem divulging all the secrets of their oh-so interesting relationships BEFORE, why is it a problem now?

Is it, I don't know, because they're trying to hide something?  Like their own idiocy?

I was defrauded!  (Uh, duh, you're literally the last person to figure that one out, friend)

The whole world KNEW their entire LIFE is a sham.  Everything is scripted and planned ahead of time; I bet the oldest gypsy even planned that first pregnancy.  But now we have PROOF from an outsider.  Here's a guy who actually fell in love with the big-butt and got conned into marrying her.  Now they're embarrassed because they got caught snagging him into a ridiculous ceremony that was probably staged from day one, and when they soaked up as much money as they could from televising it, cut him loose.  

And while we're on the subject of being conned, please take a gander at this photo gem:

Which of these things is not like the other...

Enough said.

Good luck with having any further success, idiots.  Your big-butted sister just ruined all of your careers by divorcing a good-looking, good-hearted person after a couple months. 

I'm going to end this piece with a quote from the all-knowing Joe:

"I think the Kardashians should just go away."

Disappointment.

There's another scandal I'd like to mention, and unlike the other headliners, this one actually SURPRISED me. But not for the reason you might think...


This whole time, I thought Justin Bieber was a girl, so when I saw a woman with a child demanding a paternity test from him, I was shocked.  SHOCKED!


And this whole time I thought they just kept misspelling Justine!

It's not lipstick, it's CHAPSTICK.

Anyway-


When I first heard about Justin's baby scandal, I immediately thought that the kid was his.  Why else would the woman ask for a paternity test?  You never hear about them wanting the test; they usually want child support and a few paparazzi sessions, but this lady wants SCIENTIFIC PROOF!


So I thought for sure she wasn't lying.  But oh, how things changed.


Justin actually agreed to take it!  That threw my entire game off.


Now her and the moronic lawyers representing her are flying low under the radar, probably to escape embarrassment.  There's clearly no other explanation.

Plenty of embarrassment escaped here.

To sum it all up, Justin(e) and Yeater (sounds like an infection, doesn't it?) should've teamed up and gone on Maury.  Not only would they have boosted the ratings for him, but I'm sure they would've made a crapload of money.  Not that Beaver doesn't already.


Final thoughts:


Both parties have truly disappointed me.  Biebhead had me thinking he was a teenage daddy, and I was expecting a promising break-up from his witchy girlfriend (Wizards of Waverly Place, and yes, I do love that show).  On the other hand, I was in Yeater's corner this whole time, only to be let down by her lack of performance.  Come on, lady!  No one will remember you in a year, but we sure as hell would if your baby was his. 




What do I have to look forward to NOW?  A scripted divorce from big-butt KK and her weirdo ex-husband? 

I'm already bored.

God help us all. 

Breaking News?

It's been awhile, and I have a lot to say.


I think I'll start with the hottest topic in the entertainment world right now, and that is Kim Kardashian's ill-fated marriage.

I'm going to love you for 72 whole days.

First of all, it's pretty obvious that no one is surprised.  Every celebrity out there will eventually separate from their spouse / significant other.  For them, marriage doesn't mean "forever," it means "until I get bored or we get into a fight."  Why then, you ask, do they get married at all?  Because they are dumb, that's why.  And because it gives them the opportunity to slap some exclusivity on their relationship.  They don't want to bang other people, they just want to bang each other (for now).  When they're done, they announce their break up or divorce and go on to bang someone else until they're bored again.  Celebrities that actually understand understand monogamy will never follow it, and this is why:


Their money and fame is a security blanket; even when they're old and wrinkly, they can still find someone to date, bang, or marry, because biologically speaking, money offers the guarantee that their lover and their offspring will be provided with the means to live a long and healthy life.  The more money, the better.

Right now she's pretending Hugh is Brad Pitt.

In the beginning, KK became famous because her dad helped a murderer go free, and now she is famous because her butt is larger-than-normal and she made a porno tape.  From there, they made a ridiculously scripted reality show that everyone hates but watches anyway, thereby gaining the resources to start sub-par perfume lines and a clothing store that is always empty.


Her whole family's life is nothing but event appearances and photoshoots.  Seriously, what is their purpose to the public?  To look pretty.  That's it.

Tonight let's count how many times we each say "like."

So when I hear about one of them getting married, the word "sham" automatically comes to mind.  I'm almost at the point where I believe 100% that no famous or rich person can actually fall in love because they are too narcissistic or the chances of finding someone genuinely interested in THEM and not their MONEY is slim to none.


There's nothing to really ask in this situation.  We all know why KK got married (money, her biological clock is ticking), and why she is pretending like the divorce is a hard decision (negative PR can end her career).


So what's the point of this post?


To simply point out how filthy and fake KK actually is.  I don't think everyone quite gets it yet, but they will when they realize she isn't marrying for love, she's marrying for her fanbase, popularity, and the money she receives from selling her nasty, cellulite-filled pictures that are always so artistically photoshopped.  We can't have people seeing her flaws, you know.  Because they don't exist amongst celebrities.

Honestly....

I don't know which one looks worse...

And besides, if she really did marry for love, is deciding on a place to live so big of a deal that it breaks up your union?  If anything, that should actually show the world how ridiculously shallow she is:  she doesn't want to move to Minnesota because her career is in LA.  In other words, she cares more about her job-which is what again??  oh, that's right, looking pretty in magazines-than her husband, who she married because she "loves him."




Hmmm.....

Real Iron

Over the weekend I saw a quite enjoyable movie called Real Steal, or as Papa Montoya would say, Real Iron.


I would recommend this movie to anyone ten and under, and for any adult who isn't ashamed to watch pleasant family films.


Remember Rocky?  

Duhhh-Adrian!

Well there's a new champ in town, and his name is Atom.

...............

If you want a family version of Rocky, then go see Real Steel.  Its not like Rocky was too adult for children, but it was probably too complicated for their tiny little brains to understand.  I doubt a ten year old can comprehend the depths of Rocky's relationship with his woman and her family, or his rise to the top of the boxing game.  That and they probably wouldn't be entertained by all the talking.  Kids want action and shiny things all over the screen, otherwise they lose interest and start eating popcorn off the floor.  

That's where Atom comes in.

The only criticism I have for this movie is the excess of family issues.  I get it, you abandoned your son and now he is mad at you and you are going to try to make it right by the end of the 90 minutes.  But it was too much.  I wanted more Atom and less Hugh Jackman and his kid crying because they are so unhappy about their broken family.

 

Also, I was deeply disappointed that Atom didn't develop a mind of his own.  They kept hinting at it, but in the end, he was still the same old robot just imitating movement.  

So if you're in the mood for a feel good movie, I highly recommend this one.  Just don't pay for the ticket and expect to see an Oscar-winner.  But they can't all be winners, can they?