Real Iron

Over the weekend I saw a quite enjoyable movie called Real Steal, or as Papa Montoya would say, Real Iron.


I would recommend this movie to anyone ten and under, and for any adult who isn't ashamed to watch pleasant family films.


Remember Rocky?  

Duhhh-Adrian!

Well there's a new champ in town, and his name is Atom.

...............

If you want a family version of Rocky, then go see Real Steel.  Its not like Rocky was too adult for children, but it was probably too complicated for their tiny little brains to understand.  I doubt a ten year old can comprehend the depths of Rocky's relationship with his woman and her family, or his rise to the top of the boxing game.  That and they probably wouldn't be entertained by all the talking.  Kids want action and shiny things all over the screen, otherwise they lose interest and start eating popcorn off the floor.  

That's where Atom comes in.

The only criticism I have for this movie is the excess of family issues.  I get it, you abandoned your son and now he is mad at you and you are going to try to make it right by the end of the 90 minutes.  But it was too much.  I wanted more Atom and less Hugh Jackman and his kid crying because they are so unhappy about their broken family.

 

Also, I was deeply disappointed that Atom didn't develop a mind of his own.  They kept hinting at it, but in the end, he was still the same old robot just imitating movement.  

So if you're in the mood for a feel good movie, I highly recommend this one.  Just don't pay for the ticket and expect to see an Oscar-winner.  But they can't all be winners, can they?

Held Captive

Recently in Philadelphia, a group of people were suspected of holding mentally disabled people captive in their basement.


First of all, the people who were arrested look mentally disabled themselves...

We were so careful.  How did it all go wrong?

Next, in case you're unfamiliar with this story, they decided it would be a good idea to not only hold the mentally disabled people captive, but to steal their Social Security checks as well.

I mean, I know its running out and all, but couldn't they have waited a few years to collect their own?


Additionally, who the hell sits around with their friends and says, "Hey, let's go hunt for some mentally disabled people and steal their money."  


Do you ever think about how that becomes a hot topic in a person's conversation? 


Also, why are people so lazy?  Instead of having these mentally disabled people living in their basement, they could have used the same amount of time and energy to find a job.


In fact, wouldn't it be more difficult to hide people in your basement than to actually work?  You'd have to worry about anyone peeking in, or the noises they might make to get attention, and worst of all-the checks you are stealing wouldn't be substantial, anyway.  


Think about that versus having a job at McDonalds, which is perfectly legal, and collecting a paycheck every other week.  And with two other roommates, combined monies would be enough to make a living.


I say shame on these people for not thinking it through.  You're supposed to steal from the rich, not the poor.  

Oy, haven't these gits ever seen Robin Hood?  

HOUSE

There are a few things that upset me about the new season of House.


First of all, Mr. Laurie has a horrible haircut, and is also balding. No one wants to fantasize about a man losing his hair.

'Hallo, there, don't look at my hair!

He used to be hot, you know, during seasons 1-last.  I'm willing to look past his aging, because we all know looks can't last forever, but mostly I am willing to compromise because his character is so awesome.

Next, I am quite upset because no one from last season is on the show anymore.  Should I count Foreman?  No.  Should I count Wilson?  Eh.  

Foreman is the douchiest douche I've ever had the misery to watch on television, so I am really mad that they chose him to stay over the other characters now MIA.

Wilson is a wimp.  I don't like watching people with no backbone.  Its called having a weakness, not possessing a likable quality.  I have to admit, though, I did feel some satisfaction when he punched House in the face.  That was quite uncharacteristic of him.

The one character I do like (besides House, of course) is his new sidekick. What's her name?  I don't know.  All I know is that she has the balls to speak her mind, and usually, she is right on point.  She may seem like the timid girl next door, but anyone who can punch a guy for sexually assaulting her automatically wins 500 brownie points in my book.

I'm a little curious to see where this season will go.  I don't know how I feel about it not being the same old House-person is sick, House has an epiphany, person lives 99.9% of the time.  

My final thought-I don't know.  I will have to form an opinion three episodes from now, when things will hopefully level out.

Yeezy fo Sheezy

We all know Kanye is the epitome of d-bag.  He is selfish, narcissistic, conceited, really short (extreme turn-off), and he wears women's clothing.

And it ain't the only piece of women's clothing I wear.  

I'm sure we could come up with about ten thousand more synonyms for how much of an a**hole this guy is, or how weird he acts, but at this point I think its fairly obvious to everyone.


People seem to forget, however, that Kanye West is a musician.  His goal is not to make people love HIM, although it would be highly beneficial for his career, but to love his MUSIC.


Yeah, he thought he was a robot for awhile. And yes, he did do the unthinkable and interrupt someone's acceptance speech.

I'm just saying what you're thinking.  (It's true, he was).

Its really no one's fault but his own, and sadly, all of his ridiculous antics have blinded people to the quality of his music.


I can understand how an image can influence the number of record sales, but if that musician is actually talented, it shouldn't matter much.  Why should you care about what kind of person they are if their music is good?  Do people really-REALLY-sit and think, "well by golly this song is catchy but I'm not going to let myself like it because the singer drinks too much and interrupts acceptance speeches?"


This is why I don't like where the music industry is going right now.  People care more about an image than what is actually coming out of the speakers.  It can be a crappy song, but if you wear enough glitter, it'll hit the top of the charts.

Glitter on the weekend, war paint during the week.

See what I mean?  Yet people actually like this ridiculous excuse for a music artist more than they like Kanye West.  I still don't understand how someone who can't sing becomes famous for it.




Let's switch back to Kanye.  With the exception of 808s and Heartbreak, every album he's made has turned to gold.


The College Dropout, his breakthrough album, was nominated for a couple Grammys.  Jesus Walks anyone?  Through the Wire?  Everyone loved this album for its fresh reminders of the social problems we face, and for its sarcastic yet honest humor.To combine those elements into a catchy album is a feat unto itself.  In short, go Kanye!


Late Registration was even better.  It was like he took College Dropout and injected it with steroids.  More money did not equal more problems for this album.


Graduation was a departure from his first two babies.  It was a little more poppy, but it was feel-good music.  You could work out at the gym or drive around town listening to Stronger or Can't Tell Me Nothing and feel like you could take on the world.


There was a problem with this one, though, and its called the "big headed disease."  Too much success gave him a big freaking dome, and this is where his idiocy began.


I don't know why this was cool to him, but he started to consider himself a robot.  Yes, he really did.  That's when 808s & Heartbreak came out.  It was an insult to music everywhere.  Everyone either laughed at its ridiculously Autotuned lineup, or they cried in disgust.  


I have to admit-for awhile there, I started to lose faith in Kanye.  How can you go from one of the best albums of the year to being a robot?

Awesome, original.  2005.

Kanye, those don't work in the sun.  And your mouth is open.  2009.

The next year is when the ill-fated VMas incident occurred, after which Yeezy promptly set himself on hiatus.  

Now everyone else was having their doubts, saying he was a jerk and never wanting to play his music on the radio.  Even now he barely gets any airtime.

But I knew he was coming back, after the 808 shenanigans and the VMA outburst, he was going to make another album and it would be glorious.  Then, it happened-

My Beautiful Dark and Twisted Fantasy.

This is easily the best hip-hop album of the year.  There are only two songs that haven't been released as singles yet, and that's probably only because they haven't gotten around to it yet.

Just to come full circle-it doesn't matter how much of a jerk a person is, if they make good music, that's all that should matter.  So I say let's forget about his character, ignore his outlandish behavior, sit back and listen to some awesome tunes.  

Otherwise, you are going to remain forever butt-hurt over anything that comes out of his mouth.  

I never said people change, just that we should ignore them if they suck. 

About My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.  

Drive.

Let's talk about my favorite movie of the year-hands down.


Drive had all the basic elements a movie needs in order to entertain a human being, but oddly enough, there are too few of these elements in most movies.  You know, the necessary components that make the movie worth the $20 you pay to see it:


A plot (you'd be surprised at how many current films lack this).
Good actors (not to name anyone specific but-*cough Kristen Stewart cough*-sorry, where were we?)
Unpredictability (no one wants to know the end after the first five minutes)
Cinematography (bad directing can ruin the best script in the world)
Music (we shouldn't be listening to Mexican polka during a car chase)




What made me so happy about Drive was how all of these elements came together.  The neo noir film, as most movie critics are calling it, was so well developed that it made me almost forget that bad movies exist. 

Take Drive's love story, for instance.  What made it so compelling for me was the tension created between two people who conveyed their feelings using only their body language.  That's right, people.  Driver has less than twenty lines in this movie.  How can you complain about a man who barely speaks?

And he doesn't speak right on through the darker side of LA with a cool and controlled demeanor-something I hear is similar to a little known actor called James Dean.  

I should voice a warning, however:  this movie is not for the faint of heart, so if you don't like gore, beware.  

But if you have a higher appreciation for the artistic side of directing, and you don't mind long, drawn out and tension-building silences, then this is the movie for you.  Not many actors (or people) can have a conversation or express emotion without saying anything, but Ryan did it.  

Right now he is saying "kiss me."

I don't want to give too much away, because I'd rather have everyone see it and take in all the glory that is Ryan Gosling post-Notebook.

I drive.  And smolder.

I've forgiven him for that blasphemous piece of Nicholas Spark's crap, and its all because of Drive.  

Seaweed as Clothing? Not Cute.

Let's talk about Rihanna for one second, and let's also remind ourselves that she is most indubitably NOT the sexiest woman alive.  


The picture they use to illustrate her ultimate sex appeal is in fact proof that she doesn't have any.


Take a gander.

I just got a lobotomy.

I feel sorry for anyone who actually thinks this is a sexy picture.  Why?  Because that means you like dirty women who swim around seaweed and don't care if it sticks to them for a photoshoot. Who knows what is on that seaweed, how long its been on her body, or who else touched it.  Its not even cute Adam and Eve-like foilage.  It just looks like she rolled around in dirt and didn't care what stuck to her.  Luckily it was just washed-up seaweed instead of used needles or rusty nails.


I am glad, though, that she decided to cover up that five-head.  The size of that dome is self explanatory.

I had to make the image small so it wouldn't scare your children or turn them to stone.

Shame on you, Esquire.  I say the next time this magazine decides to get artsy, do it with flowers and sparkles instead of filthy sea grass.

NetFix

Doesn't it seem like corporations are constantly finding bigger and better ways to upset their consumers?  I have a sneaky suspicion that the board members have daily meetings, probably over wine and cheese, and discuss the best possible method to make things overly complicated, unnecessary, and expensive.

Take Netflix for instance.

They had a good thing going for awhile there.  They had a great package-online streaming and DVD service for a low price.  But instead of embracing what was already working, they got greedy and decided to hike their prices by 60% AND split this divine service into two.

How does that make sense?  In what way does the CEO explain this move?

The future.  Its happening.

That's right-their explanation:  we're thinking about the future. 

Apparently the future means no more DVDs and only online streaming, which is all fine and dandy, except that the future hasn't happened yet.  That's because, um, well, its the future, and unless I'm mistaken, DVDs are still very much in use.

It's no surprise to me that consumers were infuriated, to say the least.  Its also quite funny to me that Netflix promptly lost 1 million customers.

You'd think they would learn, right?  

I think not.

I heard an interesting (and true) story about how the CEO thought up this name.  They played a game called "pin your finger on the alphabet eight times while you are blindfolded."

What's really interesting is that Netflix did yet another 180-degree turn by abandoning this ingenious idea of separating their services onto two different web sites.

Netflix is sticking by their future-loving ideas, however, and hiked prices.

But do you know what all this tells me?

More often than not, it seems that a corporation's success and a consumer's satisfaction are mutually exclusive. Netflix, just like any other big corporation, doesn't give a crap about consumer.   Yes, I understand that this a capitalist society and big companies are out to make a profit.  But that doesn't mean you dump on your customers, and right now, Netflix users are nothing but peeons.

What makes this story worse, is that Netflix obviously knows they messed up, and they are only fixing one bad thing.  Note how the one thing they fixed doesn't affect the price in any way.

Yet people are still subscribing.  What else can they do?  No matter how much Netflix flip-flops, there is no other service like it, so they're forced to stick with it.

I'm interested to see what they will do next to prepare for the future. Whatever it is, I'm sure it will be splendidly original and refreshingly aggravating.

Good-Time Thursday

Every Thursday, I get pumped up to see one of the worst shows on television.  Its so bad its good.

Italian, but call us a derogatory name for short.

Do I know that I'm watching a group of alcoholic nymphomaniacs whose biggest complaint in life is that they couldn't get laid tonight because there wasn't enough gel in their hair?  


The answer to that question is yes, of course I know what I'm watching.


What you might think I'm going to say is that we watch this garbage to escape the monotony of our daily lives.  Most people don't want to come home and watch something mentally stimulating because they've been stressed out all day.  We all need a break, right?  A way to blow off steam and / or relax our brain muscles.  


Well maybe that's why you watch reality TV, but I have an entirely different reason.


I watch these gems-and really, that's the only proper name for them-because they prove me wrong, in so many ways, about human intelligence.


Its simply amazing to me.


To watch them act foolish, and tell the world all about their foolish thoughts and feelings, really pushes the limits of stupidity.  Humanity has come so far in countless areas-medicine, space exploration, the arts, yet here are people who probably can't read the newspaper.


I don't watch them to feel better about myself, or to live vicariously through their crazy shenanigans.  I say no thank you to STDs and cirrhosis.

I keep tuning in, every Thursday, to see how far they might go, or if they might slip up.  Maybe this time, just once, they will give themselves away and admit that everything is scripted.  After all, humans can't be that stupid, right?  RIGHT??

That wall is such a jerk!

I don't see these people as human beings, I see them as animals, and that is why I can laugh every week when I see them peeing in bars, having sex on the same bed as their roommates, farting nonchalantly, or leaving a toilet to fester for days on end.


If I thought of them otherwise, I might second guess the progress of all humankind.  If people like these exist, how the hell do we expect to go much further?  


I understand that not everyone wants to watch the Discovery Channel before bed, but entertainment doesn't have to be tacky and tasteless.  


My suggestion?  


Give me a show filled with extraordinary taste, unmatched humor, and lighthearted commentary on current events that everyone is thinking but no one wants to ever admit.

Bring back Beavis and Butthead.   

Done.

She Has It All

Let's just talk about one of the greatest albums of the year.  Maybe of this decade.  

Adele has really impressed me, and the rest of the world, with her refreshing vocals and songwriting.

Its not too often that you can say-and really mean-that a musician in this day and age has talent.  Most of the time when we admit that, we mean they know how to dance and shake their butts in front of a large crowd of teenyboppers.  Auto-tune does the rest.

What I love most about Adele is that she has a raw and very real talent, and live or not, she lets the whole world know.  When you can sound as good onstage as you can in the studio, you are meant to be a singer.

Another reason why this singer is so awesome-and getting more awesome by the minute-is she doesn't (so far) give a crap about body image.  The rest of Hollywood is literally dying (from anorexia) because they want to be skinny and beautiful, but not Adele (though she is still very beautiful):

This quote alone makes this woman my hero.


Aside from her amazing voice, she also writes the lyrics for her own songs!  They're not too fancy or trashy; no, you won't ever hear her talking about guns, sex, or clubs.  This just goes to show how an artist can be successful without selling out, without talking about trash to make a quick buck. 


Her lyrics are real, and that's why so many people can relate to and love her songs.  She doesn't talk about being famous, she talks about love and heartache, something everyone goes through.


In my opinion, however, her biggest achievement is the way in which she got her golden ticket.  

We need members!

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, her way to fame was paved by Myspace.  This web site, as you know, is dwindling in numbers and popularity.  Its now mostly occupied by-well, no one, since everyone has already moved onto the ever-growing Facebook.


Why is this is so amazing, you ask?


Because Myspace is dying, and everyone knows it.  Yeah, she was noticed on it a few years ago when it wasn't quite six feet underground, but Facebook was on fire from the moment it went online.  


So that, my friends, is why I respect her the most.  Because she used Myspace as a tool to become the greatest singer in the world.  


My next prediction:  she will lose fifty pounds and say she did it to become healthy, not because she was worried about body image.


They all do that.  Every celebrity says they don't give a sh*t if the media thinks they put on a few pounds, but then a week later, they aren't fat anymore.  


But diabetes isn't funny, and neither is crying your eyes out every night because the National Enquirer is putting your cellulite on blast every Saturday.


Just sayin. 

I P.Diddied.

Whenever I do anything stupid or more jerk-like than normal, I'm going to start saying "I P. Diddied."  


Everything this guy does stems from his grossly overvalued self-importance, and to be honest, he was never that good at anything.  He's a black man who can't dance, can barely rap, and doesn't make music anymore.  The only positive-he was friends with one of the greatest music artists of all time.  I won't even talk about his failed reality show that created a handful of sub-par hip-hop groups (who, by the way, are where now?). 


Yet for some reason, he still thinks he's entitled...to everything.  It's not surprising to me, though, that no one has broken the news to him.  No one has said, hey friend, your name sounds like the accident my child had in his bed last night, or maybe you should take a break from being famous because you aren't too good at it.


So why is he still famous?  Why are people still clinging to him like he is some kind of...music star?


Because he's an a**hole with money, but mostly because he has money.

Yo, I just took a dump on your windshield.

When  you have lots of money, no one really cares if you are a good person.  They only care if you are paying them or giving them free gifts.  So I expect to see P.Diddy surrounded by an entourage of a few dozen burly men or tramped up women.

The fact that he recently threw ice at another man for drinking a Vodka that he doesn't endorse just confirms (once again) how big of a D-bag he is.  No mature person would ever do that to another adult, especially in the middle of a crowded club where I'm sure everyone was on their way to being drunk.  You can bet that if it was just a random guy throwing ice at someone else, they would get punched in the face (at the very least).

And he says sorry.  

Sorry, I threw ice at you.  I'd believe him if he didn't do that kind of thing ALL THE TIME.

I just have a tidbit of advice--

Don't P.Diddy me and I won't P.Diddy you.

Apes!

The only thing that could make me happier than watching a movie about monkeys is watching a movie about talking apes.


Planet of the Apes is definitely my favorite movie of the summer.


I don't even know where to begin with this blockbusting gem.


Perhaps I'll start with my irritation at the cruel treatment of animals, and for the sake of brevity, I will just talk about abuse at labs.  Obviously this is exactly what the director wanted us to see, and its a problem that will never get old until its solved.  


Now obviously no one thinks its okay to torture cute little bunnies and monkeys for the sake of scientific testing, but it has to be done nonetheless.  We can't use people, after all.  We are animals, by the way, just a superior type of animal.  So what's our next best option?  Animals that can't talk.  


It breaks my heart to see or hear about animals suffering, but if you think about it, how much medicine WOULDN'T we have without animal testing?  Isn't that what scientists do?  Inject little bunnies and monkeys with serums and vaccines so that people can get better?  


So what's worse-eliminate all animal testing, and subsequently, tons of medicines that could potentially cure various diseases and illnesses, or do we keep on torturing those precious little bunnies so little Johnny won't die from the flu?

GOO!  Maybe we SHOULD forget about animal testing.  Look what the meds did to Tiny Tim.

We root for the mistreated in this movie, but what if the humans were the ones being caged?  Its not just a matter of treating animals better, but each other, our possessions, our planet.


I don't think this movie is an Oscar winner.  The story could have been more compelling.  Basically a dude's pet grows brains and gets tired of getting crazy drugs injected into his body.


It lacked umph, the spark that makes films truly great.  


But overall, I liked it a lot, and I will definitely be adding it to my already large movie collection.  

Kids Rule, Adults Drool

You know what's hilarious?  How a movie called Dolphin Tale is currently number one in the box office.

Its about a dolphin who loses his tail to a crab trap and then receives a prosthetic one from a doctor.

I'm sure its a wonderful movie, but what more could they possibly say after he gets his spanking new tail?  Shouldn't that be the end of the movie?   Hooray, he lives happily ever after!  But wait, there's more!

Now we just have to think of a way to make this movie longer.  About 80 minutes longer.

I'm sure its a wonderful movie, and I would love to see it, but not for $10.  With the way movie prices are now, its only logical to carefully choose the movie you want to see based on critics' reviews and your own judgment of its epicness.  Everything else can wait until DVD or RedBox.

Final thoughts:

Isn't it quite funny  how some of the best movies target child audiences?  Dolphin Tale, Lion King, and okay, there aren't many kid movies out right now, but think about your average adult film versus something of Lion King or Toy Story's caliber.  There is simply no comparison, and I don't mean because the target audiences are so far apart in age, but I mean this because children's movies are always better.

ALWAYS!

Yes, I know, there are always exceptions.  A few adult films will beat Lion King's epicness.  BUT-only a few.  Just think about how many crap films are released every week (Drive Angry, Abducted, Dream House), and then think about anytime a children's movie is released.  The reviews are always positive, and they always create a huge fan following.  This isn't because children are easily entertained by bright colors and shiny objects, but because creators actually took the time to develop an interesting plot and characters.

I don't think I'm alone when I say that I'm tired of seeing an overkill of action, sex, and violence.

Just because you can make a movie R rated, doesn't mean you should.  An R rating doesn't equal a four star, Oscar-winning blockbuster.

In conclusion, maybe these jaded adults need to get in touch with their inner child and make a movie worth watching.  Just because crappy movies make tons of money opening weekend doesn't mean they're good; it's called a lack of options.  

You don't see Simba acting a fool when he comes back to the pride land, do you?  

Hate Crime

The following crime is so RIDICULOUS that I don't even know where to begin.


In a nutshell-a group of young, white men in the south were sitting around at a party, drinking, and decided that it would be a good idea to "go f*ck with some n*ggers." They promptly found a black man in a random parking lot, beat him, and then ran him over with a giant pickup truck.


The ringleader of this outdated crime is pleading not guilty to capital murder.


Um, I don't know if you know this, but everything was caught on camera.


So, my question is, and I really am quite confused about this whole thing, how the hell does this kid expect a jury to find him not guilty when there is video evidence of him beating and running a man over?

I'm white.  Free me.

The fact that he thinks he is not guilty clearly shows the world how deluded he really is.  Can you imagine the type of upbringing this poor soul had?  The type in which his family told him how men of a different skin color are worth less than nothing, so if you beat and kill one, don't worry, because its quite all right.  No one will miss them.  

The real question is not whether this kid is guilty, but if we should feel sorry for him.  Is he incorrigible?  If we let him out of prison, will he run around the south, killing men because they're black (again)?

Or, if we give him another chance, will he actually learn that what he did was wrong?  

                                 

Are the things we learned during childhood so ingrained and irreversible that everything we absorbed will stay with us forever?  

Do people change?

We don't like anything brown.  Chocolate is next.

My final opinion is this--

This idiot was obviously not drunk enough to claim he didn't know what he was doing (as he drove a freaking truck, searched for and found a man to victimize).  

Next-regardless of his upbringing, he still committed a crime.  Send his a** to prison.

Finally-given his young age, don't send him to prison for the rest of his life.  It's not his fault that he was taught to demean and literally kill other people.  That way of thinking was not his choice.  Not at first.

He's going to have a LOT of time to think about what he's done while he is in prison.  After about a decade, evaluate his progress, and then either give him probation or leave him to rot in the hell hole he crawled into. 

The sad part is, there are plenty of other men like him in prison, willing to take him under their wing and reinforce their racist, extremist thinking.  Therefore, the chance of his rehabilitation is slim to none...

From the minute he was born, this kid had no chance.

So maybe you don't feel sorry for him, but I do.